So...here I am. Just over one week out from my first ever NPC Bikini Competition. I've had sort of a defeated week where I've been down on myself about various things. This week I was supposed to try to give up artificial sweetener (ie. diet coke, my favorite Quest protein bars, etc). I was able to do it for ONE day. After lapsing, I'd plan ahead for the next day, feeling confident about going into the next day with a plan. However, my plan would be thwarted upon realizing that something I ate had fake sugar in it (who would have thought that Tyson Sirloin Steak strips had artificial sweetener in them!?), and after already had consumed it, I would "cheat" the rest of the day by drinking diet coke and having protein bars. I've done well with calories for the most part, but I'm really low on calories these last two weeks. I'm not supposed to go over 1250 and some days I'm slated to have only 1170. Carbs are LOW. 25grams on some days, 50grams on others. I was eating over 200grams when training for the half marathon. Yes, this is INSANELY low for an active person and this is just a SHORT TERM plan to help shed a little more fat before the show. It's not a diet that I can maintain with my current level of activity. In a sense, it is a crash diet. But it's temporary, and hopefully the rewards will be long lasting.
So the diet this week is something I'm feeling bummed about. The fact that I allowed myself to continue to "cheat" on something I wasn't supposed to have bums me out. I made the choice to so that, using the mindset that I already "blew" it, but I could have just as easily chosen to clean it up and do better the rest of the day. I didnt, and now I feel bad about it. And I worry that the numbers I produce tomorrow when I go to meet my coach are going to reflect that.
I also haven't been training as much as I should. Two a day cardio sessions were recommended in these final weeks. I have the time for it, I just dont MAKE the time. I'm tired, I dont have much energy, and I just dont WANT to work out anymore. I miss working out because I *want* to work out...and I loathe the feeling of working out because I *have* to. I've tried, I have...I've gone to bed in my gym clothes with the intent of getting up early for a quick half hour session, but I keep making the choice of extra sleep.
I have ambivalent feelings about the competition. Dont get me wrong, I'm definitely still doing it....but now it's just as important as it once was. I've already accomplished what I wanted to do: get in shape, like my body again, be healthy, etc. And along the way I've inspired others in real life and online. I love that. I'm going to be nervous as hell getting up on that stage, and I'm sure I'll have my doubts thinking I could have done better (because truthfully, I could have)...but you get out what you put in. And I've got what I wanted :) That stage is just going to be another opportunity to do something I didnt think I could do.
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